A Letter to Colleen Hoover

*Warning!* This post contains spoilers from It Ends With Us

 

Dear Colleen Hoover,

Thank you for writing “It Ends With Us”. I grew up in a violent home and unfortunately, I also married someone who was abusive to me mentally and physically. I am now divorced from him, but I will forever be affected by the choices I made. I related to this book and I am so happy you told this story to bring awareness to abuse.

You did an absolutely amazing job at telling this story to the world. Being in an abusive relationship is hard. You want to leave, but there are so many factors that can make a person also want to stay. It’s not always easy leaving the abuser.

When Ryle attacked Lily for the first time in the kitchen, my heart was broken for her because I know exactly how that feels. I would have never pictured my ex-husband to be abusive until I was married to him & we moved away from my family because he was in the military. He did a good job of hiding his true character until we were 7 hrs away from people that would typically see me every day.

I felt broken & shocked the first time he hurt me, it’s something I will never forget. I was able to relate to the way Lily felt. I also thought I was joking around with him and he got upset and slapped me in the face. He was also “so sorry” that it happened and swore it would never happen again.

That was a lie. It happened more and more and each time got worse. I swore I would never let myself be in an abusive relationship because of the way I grew up, but abuse can happen to ANYONE, even if you think it never will. I always thought people were stupid for not leaving when something like this happens. When I was young, I didn’t have a choice in the matter, but as an adult, I did have a choice, but it’s just not that easy.

I was living 7 hours away from home, no job and hardly any communication outside of my home. He did a great job keeping me secluded. He mentally abused me to the point where I felt like I was nothing & he made me feel like my family wouldn’t even want me if I tried to go back. I am an intelligent woman, but somehow I fell for his lies. He controlled the money and everything. I was so embarrassed and afraid to tell my family what was going on because I thought they would judge me and I also worried that he would also kill me for leaving him.

I fought this all alone, with no support because I was embarrassed and scared. This went on for about a year. Each time it happened, he was so sweet to me after and promised it would never happen again. I fell for it. I was also scared because how was I supposed to leave when I had no job and no money. Anytime he hurt me, he reminded me that I had nothing and if I left, I would regret it. At that point, I actually believed him. I was terrified.

There was even a time that I considered suicide to be better than being trapped in a relationship with him. I went to my dr and told her I was having a hard time sleeping and she prescribed me some strong sleep medication…I told my ex I was going to the dr to get my thyroid checked and to get a refill on my birth control. Later that night, I was sitting at my kitchen table, which was high up, and I wrote my suicide note. I had a glass of orange juice and I took about half the bottle and kept writing more. I planned on taking more, but I passed out and knocked over the glass and it broke on the kitchen floor. My ex came running into the kitchen & rushed me to the er. I couldn’t even escape him that way. And I regret trying to commit suicide every day. Suicide is not the answer, but at the time, I felt like it was.

A couple months later, he lost his temper and he hurt me more than he ever had. He punched me in the face repeatedly and then knocked me onto the concrete and then he hit me more. I had bruises all over my body, but my face was the worst. He wouldn’t let me call for an ambulance to get help because the military has zero tolerance of abuse and he knew he would lose his career and go to jail. I also knew if that happened, he would make it his mission to kill me. He would have nothing left if he lost his job and was facing jail time.

Once my face was healed, I was done. I had finally had enough. I had taken pictures of my face and emailed them to an email address I created that he didn’t know anything about. Then I deleted the sent email from my regular email so he wouldn’t know I had ever taken pictures or sent them anywhere. When he was gone from work, I packed my car, a little cavalier, and left. I had some money to buy groceries, but I used some of it for gas and drove 7 hrs home.

I called him on the way and told him I was done and if he wanted to kill me, he could because I just didn’t care anymore. I told him about the pictures and told him I finally broke down and told my best friend at home what happened and sent her the pictures to keep in a safe place. I told him if he came after me, I would ruin him. I think he truly believed me then because I had previously tried to commit suicide and I told him if I had to die to leave him I would, but I would make sure his life was ruined.

Many people got upset with me once they found out what had happened because I didn’t press charges, but they didn’t know what it was like. What if I had pressed charges? He would have killed me for sure. I didn’t want to die, so I did what I had to to survive.

Talking about my abuse is hard for me, but this book helped me cope with it some. It helped remind me that I am not the only one who went through this. I hope this book will also help someone else in my situation. It is extremly hard for me to share the pictures of that night. I still have them as a reminder to not let myself get into another abusive relationship. I feel like I need to share them now, because I want girls and women to know how dangerous it can truly get once the abuse stops. I hope that by seing this, it will open their eyes and maybe they will leave sooner. He could have killed me that night by slamming me against the concrete, but I thank God every day that I’m alive.

wp-1476742777359.jpeg   jess2

Thank you Colleen!

 

 

 

 

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